You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize