How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
