how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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