apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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