Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
