I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
