I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
