go do what you do best...puke behind churches
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
