Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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