I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
