i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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