I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
