I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
