If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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