So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
