...so i touched it.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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