My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
