I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
