if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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