after a month anything with tits is on the radar
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
