I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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