My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
