I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
