Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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