Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
false alarm, still single
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
