I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
