I love black thongs
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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