Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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