Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
