I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
