he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
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