So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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