You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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