there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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