she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
where are my eyebrows?
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