I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize