Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Randomize
