I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
