my soul wont recognize me after tonight
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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