I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
