My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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