I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
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