just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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