I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
