Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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