My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
