Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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