During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
