Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
