She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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