I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
