I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
