Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
