PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize