I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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