dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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