tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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