Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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