I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
