I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize