Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
