If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
