I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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