I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
