so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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